Swollen Eyes

Saturday, January 28th, 2012
     I had a good cry last night. You know one of those cries where you start getting really ugly?  Not the dab your eye kind of cry that you can stay in some kind of control. This cry was so out of control that my eyes are still super swollen.  That kind of cry. But it felt good and it still feels good. It all started by watching "Little House on the Prairie" with my family. All the kids had already fallen asleep on the couch but I kept watching.  It was the one where Mr. Ingles promised a dying mom that he would make sure her 3 kids got a good home when she passed. When she died he searched for 4 weeks with no luck of keeping all 3 children together. Finally he decided he would separate the children. The 2 boys with a farm family and the little girl with a lady from the city. Watching the kids say goodbye to each other was heartbreaking. I even caught myself saying a prayer for them that God would allow them to stay together. Then I realized what I had just done. "Miranda, it's a TV show".  I know it is based on a true story but this would have happened way over 100 years ago. I just lost it as I watched the kids be rescued by Mr. Edwards and the Widow Snider!! Thats when the tears began to turn into the ugly cry.  I cried for 30 minutes after the show ended. My husband sat beside me trying to comfort me. I was holding Bronson who was asleep on me and Bub was holding an asleep Brelee. It felt good to hold the kids. Mine are safe, loved and protected. So many others are not. After feeling the deep hurt of being rejected by their own families most of these kids are separated and hurt by foster families. I said most, not all because there are some good families out there but not enough. So, why was I crying so deeply, so passionately? Because I know that God has called us to be one of those families to save kids, one  who does not separate the siblings and who loves them with the love of our Savior! But that really interferes with my plans for my life. It is uncomfortable, downright scary. I am scared of not being a good enough mommy to my own 3 children, not having enough money to take care of everyone, I am scared of letting my Arbonne business slip, or other things I want to do not get to be at the forefront of my mind. When I think about my excuses they all come from scarcity thinking and then I remember I serve a God of abundance. I know that if I "Seek God first and His righteousness then all these things will be added unto me". Matthew 6:33. That gives me peace but it still doesn't make me very brave.
      I also feel extremely burdened for kids half way around the world. Kids that I have never met and some that I have.  Kids that I loved on in Haiti and kids that I read about in Africa. It's not enough for me to feel sad for them. That doesn't save their life, that doesn't feed their bellies, rescue them from child slavery or trafficking, that doesn't do anything.  Sure, we give to several organizations. We sponsor a handful of kids to attend school, we give to others. We tithe to our church. But, out of all that we have I know it is not enough. I am not just referring to money. I know God wants us to give our entire selves not just the "required" portion of our money.
      I want to live full out for God and make my life count. I know I have more to give. That's why the tears come because I am burdened and know my next step is further obedience. That is why I started this blog . To get my thoughts out of my head and see them on paper. When I used to counsel people I would tell them to keep a journal of their thoughts. Every night before I go to bed I always think of writing a few thoughts down but I usually fall asleep while that thought is still in my head. I type way faster than I write so with swollen eyes I make my first entry this Saturday morning.
Here are some of the things I believe that God has put on my heart. Now it's doing them all.
1. Making money for my family and for others by using Arbonne. Arbonne is such an amazing tool where I can make as much money as I want to and have time to do things I want to do. I love my business. I love pouring into women and sharing the vision of where we are going in Arbonne. Truly it is one of the greatest blessings in my life.
2. Homeschooling my 3 children. Organized, teacher, and structured are not 3 words ANYONE uses to describe me but they are 3 words that will be required of me if I bring my children home to school them. I miss my kids everyday they are at school. I want to pour in so many things that I feel like I don't get to because they are gone from me 7 hours everyday. Homeschooling is the solution to this. I am thankful God is brining other godly homeschooling moms in my life to help mentor me in this process. But, I also love helping other kids in their school that need it. If I homeschool I will miss it on meeting a lot of families and kids.
3. Fitness Camp. This is such an outlet for me. I am better because of the women that attend my fitness camp. This provides so much for my family and for me, financially and emotionally. I pray it provides so much for the women that attend it. These ladies are some of my biggest supporters, cheerleaders, and friends. I love them all so much. Watching them give all of themselves night after night is inspiring to me. It makes me want to stay in shape, read and be my best so I can pour more into them.
4. Foster Care. Ever since I was a little girl I knew God's call on my life was to rescue kids. I am talking since I was 5 years old. It is deeply embedded somewhere only God could have put it.  My mom said when I was a little girl I would be in the grocery story and worried about a kid that a mom was yelling at. I would want to follow them home to make sure that they were safe. I know we can help heal the children that come into our home with the love of Christ. But, of course, I worry about my own kids. So many say that they wouldn't take foster kids because they care too much about their own kids. They don't want their kids getting hurt or have their own kids suffer in any way. Well, I don't love my kids any less than any of these people but I know that my kids are at risk for "less attention" and will see a lot of things that they otherwise wouldn't. But, I believe that God will make all things right and that He will teach them lessons through taking in these kids that they would otherwise not have learned. I just know that God tells us in John 3:30 that "we must become less so that HE can become more" I believe that pertains to kids too. Many people say you have to take care of your own family first before helping others. But, truly where is that in the bible? I will protect my children with everything that is in me but I refuse to let the excuses that others give hinder me from helping others.
5. Missions: I am passionate about getting out of my town, my state, my country and showing my family and myself just how big our world is. Haiti is our first out of country mission trip as a family and everyday I think of what I saw there. I thank God for Christian organizations that are literally changing the culture and lives of people every single day. Mission of Hope in Haiti has a passion to change the country for God and I think that they will do it.  But, I know my family has a role in it too. Not just a monetary role but an active role. Our first step is staying for a few weeks or month in Haiti this summer. I want to help mentor women and get street kids a home, my husband can mentor the men of Haiti to be courageous men of God. To be chain breakers for the next generation. My kids can love on kids in Haiti and be changed simply by being there. God specifically told me that I was to come back from my first mission trip last May 2011 and bring people back from my community to see what I saw. We did that with a group of 10 people in January of this year (just a few weeks ago). I am so thankful for husband's willingness to go (my 2 oldest kids, Bronson and Brelee), The Mullin family (minus Larra), Sarah Hefner and Issy Biesiegel. Next time I know many more will make the journey with us.
6. Biggest Loser Trainer: Last week I sent it a 10 minute DVD of me trying out for the trainer spot on NBC's show, The Biggest Loser. This wasn't even on my radar but ENVP, Pam Guyer, sent me an email putting this thought in my head. I really dismissed it but the thought remained in me. God grew it to a total peace that I should go for it. With the talent of David Johnson we put together a DVD of me doing what I do and sharing my passion for changing the world and helping people live full out. Danny and Darci Cahill helped me through the process and prayed with me and encouraged me. Danny got me the address of producer so that I could send it straight to him.  That would be a dream job for me for a few seasons and I know that God is the dream giver. But, again questions I have questions about that would look like for my family. And again, I know that God is in control.
Writing this down it all seems a bit more manageable. That is why it is good to get it on paper. Ahhhh. .. . big sigh. . . glad I started this. Thankful for my sweet husband who showed me how to do it. That is the kind of man that I am married to. He points me in the right direction, even puts my fingers on the keys all I have to do is type. He equips me to be my best. I want to be my best because he is striving to be his. He is a courageous man of God who rejects passivity and leads courageously. Without him I am not sure if I would have the courage to do half of what I do.